Peroxide: It's Not Just for Sluts & Terrorists

While leaning back in the dentist chair as the hygienist scraped crap off my teeth, I realized that she had the whitest teeth I have EVER seen in real life.

I had spent more than I care to admit, on having my teeth professionally whitened by lasers... Which felt exactly how I imagine electrode shock therapy to be. Since that painful experience, I needed to know exactly what the hygienist was doing to make her smile so sparkling white!

"Every couple days I pour a little peroxide on my toothbrush and lightly polish my teeth. Peroxide is a very healthy mouthwash!" I couldn't believe it. I had spent a fortune and underwent torture for teeth that weren't as white as someone who spent 99 cents on a bottle of peroxide?!

Mind you this is not an overnight change - the peroxide builds brightness over time. And if you have severely stained teeth, you may not have the same success. But I have definitely noticed a huge difference after peroxiding my fangs, even more so than from the professional whitening.

Aside from all the other uses for peroxide; anti-swine flu gargle, slutty hair bleacher, stain remover, terrorist explosive agent, post-explosion wound-cleaner...You can now start using it to brighten your smile too!

Pros:

• One of the most useful liquids ever invented!
  
• Extremely cheap, I found a generic brand at Meijer for only 99cents!
  

Cons:

• It tastes grody.

Mama Loves Shortnin'

When I was 14, my aunt told me a horror story. It wasn't about a wolf-man or a killer mental patient with a hook for an arm... No, it was something MUCH worse. She told me about the curse called 'crows feet'. And if I wasn't careful, It would get me too...

Fortunately, she also had the antidote: a light dab of Crisco vegetable shortening around the eye.

This lesson stuck with me and I have been lubing my eyes twice a day ever since.

Why does it work so well? 1. It's made of veggies (mostly soy) so you're less likely to have an allergic reaction to it. 2. The texture is thicker than a traditional cream. It is slow to absorb and clings to the skin, constantly moisturizing all day long. 3. It costs less than $3 for a GINORMOUS tub that will last you forever.

At just shy of 32 years old, and not a crows foot in sight, all I can say is: "I love you forever Crisco."

Pros:

• Combats/prevents crows feet & dry skin around the eye
  
• Low risk of allergic reaction
  
• Extremely cheap
  

Cons:

• The greasy texture can cause eye makeup to smear or wear off faster than normal... but I'd rather have botox-free youthful eyes than a ton of make up.
• When people see a tub of Crisco in your bathroom, they think you're weird or into weirdness... but being lovely has it's price.